I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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