Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
