I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
