I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
