dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
