pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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