some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
