I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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