Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
