I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
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