someone threw a dead crab at me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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