terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
