Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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