Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I will pee on everything he values.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
