My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
