Already got asked if we're dating
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
