I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
