Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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