A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
