I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
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i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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