do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
