There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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