The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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