some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
