I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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