wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
