I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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