I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
