Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
