I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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