In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
