How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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