Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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