She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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