How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
