Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We smell like vodka and hangover
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