I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
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Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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