So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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