Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
