she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
