I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
