It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
