I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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