yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
