I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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