my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
