I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
