So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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