Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
