i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
