i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Boobs speak an international language.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
