But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
