she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
