His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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