the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
